Sometimes these titles are plain ol' meaningless words so I decided to add onto the meaninglessness. 

I have not been sleeping well, not been eating much, have had consistent tremors, and have been fighting irrational thoughts for about 2-3 weeks, maybe more.  I'm exhausted with simple chores which shouldn't be a surprise, considering how little I'm eating.  I'm trying my best to be regular and take care of myself.  I thank goodness that I don't have kids, otherwise I probably would go catatonic. 

Praying helps.  Self-soothing has its moments but I'm harsh on myself even with these little luxuries.  Mindful breathing is a chore.  I just wish I could stop waking up at 5 am every morning.  Indicator of a mood disorder?  Am I regressing?  Or simply taking on more stressors to achieve my goals and realizing it's a transitional phase?

Even thinking about writing out everything that stresses me out seems like an impossible chore :)  I think I'll write a list.

1.  Just got LASIK at a steep discount. It's a present for myself. It was also a procedure that revealed more than an amazing world not defined by the blurred edges...it defined how I feel about my looks and how I feel about the money I earn.  It highlighted what I want to do in the future. Not so bad for surgery eh?

2.  I am skipping work for 3 days to attend an open house in DC and then onto a LARPing thing in CT. 
Stressors are:
a. not feel prepared with which department I want to devote my time to,
b. not really knowing what I'm getting myself into and what I actually have to do to get into that school,
c. trying to be discreet with my crazy nosy supervisor
d. trying to relax
e. packing
f. seeing DC boy after getting over him.
g. being assertive and telling people what I want
h. feeling goofy about roleplaying
i.  feeling like I have to figure out my boundaries with DC boy.  Do I sleep on the couch or not?  Do I let him do whatever he wants or should I try to involve him in what I'm doing?  Will I have fun or will I let myself be miserable?
j. will I fuck up?
k. will I have a good time?
l.  when this is over, will I have anything else to look forward to?

3.  My guild is in trouble with leadership. Most of us are burnt out.  I'm afraid of losing the only community I got at the moment.  Maybe this is a good thing, to get me to find other communities that will sustain me.  But I still would mourn the loss.

4.  My job.  Enough said.

5.  Money

6.  Sex.  Or lack of it.

7.  I'm turning 30 in a year.  Something's gotta change.

8.  This burning smell from my LCD monitor.  I think I need a new monitor.

Pray that I survive next week.  Hell, even today.

Financially, I've always thought I was stable.  I had savings and when it would dip too low, I would budget and hold off on going out and little expenses.  But that pretty little illusion is busted the moment I applied for something. 

I've made less than the poverty mark for the past 5 years. 

I'm a hardworking, college-educated woman with the willingness to be a team player.  I had a lot of bumps to my confidence which was shaky to begin with and I started from scratch, building the tools I would have had as a child if I or my family had done in a different way.  I'm not saying better but I didn't have my head on straight.  I still have a hard time.  But I'm unfolding and blossoming and it's painful as fuck. 

Seeing the truth of how underutilized my skills are, how lowly I thought of myself, how I was grateful for everything gives me heartache.  I had come home exhausted from work and from meeting a few friends at a sample sale (no spending) and passed out on my messy bed. 

And now, my heart is pumping in fear, instead of doing what it has to.  I noticed that when I'm angry, I can get sharper focus on things like looking for jobs or into schools.  I could try that right now.

Anger at myself for not figuring this out sooner: grrrrr!

Okay that didn't work, I'm just blaming myself and feeling worse.  I feel like crying.  But I can't.  I feel muted.

If there's ever a time for a prayer to get myself out of this mess, it's now.  I can be grateful that I do have a job unlike some people.  I can be grateful that at the moment, nothing in my life is completely out of my control.  Or is that an illusion too? 

The pain, it swelters.  I could take a pill but I have to do some major overhauling of my room to have my first visitor in years as he watches over me after my procedure. 

Oh my God, I can't live like this.  Maybe this was what the pain was about.  Unconsciously understanding that I undervalued myself in every way and my contributions.  I know the pain will ebb and flow and come to its natural ending unless I intervene by hyping myself up. 

I don't really know what I can change in a night, especially a night when I'm exhausted, cold and my insides feel like cold glass.  But I need to change something.  Dear God, please help.

I was thinking about "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I think it's the title.  Anyways, there are people who erase remembering certain moments of their lives, particularly with a person.  I once told my suffering friend that for all the pain this person has caused in my life with his presence, innocently and dumbly, I would not wish for him to never happened onto my life.  But today, suffering enormous heartache, I wonder if someone offered me a pill to forget this person, wouldn't I take it, just to make things normal again?